You before Me: Them
before Us
A
little self- actualization will lead to some interesting discoveries. About
three weeks ago I began a Communication class and we started delving into the
idea of Active Listening. One might ask: “What is active listening? Isn’t it
just sitting there and making good eye contact and nodding your head once in
while…?” Now I know I cannot speak for everyone, but unfortunately those are definitely
some behaviors I have employed sometimes when someone is talking to me, be it
family members, close friends, or people I have just met. So, what is Active
Listening?
Active Listening, according to Ann Russo,
in her book titled Between Speech and
Silence: Reflections on Accountability says that: “active listening…implies
a willingness for our identities, ideas, theories and actions to be transformed
in the process of dialogue”. This is the idea, that listening, is not simply just
hearing what someone is telling you, letting a lecture, your mom’s rant on how
your shorts are too short, or your friends’ latest relationship drama, go “in
one and ear and out the other” -- to use a popular cliché. Active listening is
truly hearing what someone has to say or is telling you. It is the notion of
relating yourself to what they are going through, actively putting yourself in another’s
shoes, taking to heart what they are telling you, and ultimately embracing the
full notion of empathy.
Writing this blog has been such a blessing
in disguise, meaning that at first, I was thinking my goodness, I don’t even
know how to this. But what I have come to realize is that delving into the idea
of how I personally interact with others, with regards to listening, and then
observing how other people listen to others, gave me the opportunity to have
quite an epiphany about active listening. I thought to myself: “how many times
have I gone to coffee with a friend or a coworker, to just chat about life, and
you get to the nearest Dutch Brothers, order, sit down, and then one of you
goes, so what’s new? How have you been? And the other person starts with oh
I’ve been great, but omg! Let me tell you about what the boyfriend did! Oh, he
made me so mad…! How many of us in the beginning of the conversation, or in
this case rant, would be genuinely interested in the first few minutes, but
then your phone vibrates in your pocket, you start staring at the cute heels
that the lady at the counter is wearing, and wondering where she got them,
Amazon or the mall? Hundreds of distractions begin flooding your mind and soon,
you’ve lost track of what is being said, you start thinking well this person
has been talking long enough it’s my turn, or, oh please, she thinks she has
relationship issues…? Wait till she hears about mine! We are not actively
listening at all! We are not putting ourselves into someone else’s shoes and
caring about how they are feeling, or what they are going through, we have been
hearing those around us, but not listening. Listening requires our full
attention, and engagement, asking questions and putting the forth the effort to
see where others are coming from. To me, asking questions is a very effective
way to actively listen. I know that that method may not work for everyone, and
everyone can find their own way to actively listen, but asking questions and
engaging in dialogue, is the method that I have found works for me. If I put
the needs of others before myself that will not only allow me to understand
society as whole better, but it will allow me to put you before me, and then in
a more global aspect, them before us.
And as a fun splash to illustrate my point,
I found a clip from Everybody Loves
Raymond, it demonstrates the notion of asking questions and engaging in
dialogue to resolve conflict, as well as to see the points and concerns of
others. This particular clip involves
the relationship between parents and child, but the way that Ray handles the
situations can be applicable to almost every situation in life. I
hope you enjoy it.
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