Tyson Maeva - February Post

“‘What is it like to be a female soldier?’

Well, it is making the unintelligible intelligible. It is going where you don’t belong. It is being who you are not supposed to be. It is creating new meaning. It is so many things that are never expected, never articulated, and I insist that you understand my experience on my terms. I insist that my narrative be mine.” (Hicks)

The last couple lines of Hicks’ reading really hit me deep when reading. While I have a basic understanding of what she went through, I did not experience what feelings that she talked about. However, in my own life, I have had my share of questioning myself and my self-worth. Being Samoan is a big deal to me. I feel pride in my culture and saying that I have Samoan blood running through my blood. However, I did not always feel like this throughout my life. Growing up, I tried out for an All-Star rugby team. The tryouts had two different age groups working together. There was a Samoan kid trying out for the older team that was a great athlete who was very well known through California. Being excited to be around him, I went up to introduce myself and say that I was also Samoan. He began speaking Samoan, which I unfortunately do not know how to speak. When he realized I did not know what he was talking about, he asked if I was even full Samoan. I shook my head embarrassed. He walked away from me saying that half-bloods are not real Samoans. Reading Hicks’ experiences in the army brought me back to this situation in my life. We both shared times where people are telling us who we are or are not and what we should or should not be doing. However, while it did hurt and make me question myself at the time, I could care less about it now. The phrase “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” are only true if you do not allow peoples’ words to hurt you. Listening to what people say is something that Hicks’ and I have not been able to avoid, but letting those words shape who we are is something we both refuse to let happen.

I also identified myself as an athlete. Ever since I was in grade school, I was always involved in at least one sport a year if not three. Entering high school, my two goals that I needed to achieve was to graduate high school and receive a full ride scholarship to a Division I football program. Throughout those four years, I busted my butt working out and studying film to create the best version of myself I could. Fortunately, I was able to earn multiple scholarships before my senior season of football and commit to Boise State. At the end of my senior season, before I was able to sign any papers officially being accepted into Boise State, I tore my ACL. My world crashed right before my eyes. I was thinking to myself that Boise State was going to pull their scholarship from me, just like all the other schools did. I did not know what I was going to do. This was the first time that I could not call myself an athlete. Losing that part of my identity and my dreams created a time of depression for me. I lost self-worth and did not think I was good at anything else at that point in my life. Luckily, through months of rigorous rehab and training, I was able to make a full recovery. However, many athletes around the world are not able to bounce back like I did. For anybody who is going through the same situation that I did or if anybody knows someone who is, I have found a link that goes more into depth about what high profile profession athletes have went through after giving up sports.

http://believeperform.com/wellbeing/life-after-sport-depression-in-retired-athletes/