Nikael Miller

Comm 160

3/2/2017

Fear Beneath the Facade,

“Men are not allowed to be afraid”. I hung on that first sentence for a while, trying to grasp its validity to the extreme that it deserved. For many years I have known this sentence to be a norm, like somehow our society had just made it a fact of life, but until now I had never truly pondered it. A number of thoughts instantly crowded into my head, all of which lead me to realize that I 100% agree with what it was that Gomez was trying to communicate with that sentence. In our society men are depicted as a “real man” only if they show zero fear, complete acts of bravery, and put up a stone cold face when faced with life obstacles that may require the showing of emotion. And until now, I had never realized how truly B.S. that is. Sympathy suddenly crowded my head as I reflected on instances where I had seen this kind of mentality placed on boys I knew, or even times when I had been the one placing it on them. How terrifying must it be to know that you are not allowed to be terrified?!

So often we talk about how crappy society is about placing impossible standards upon us women. Always wanting us to have a perfect body, perfect hair, perfect clothes, sexualizing us, making us feel inferior if we fall short or defend ourselves on/against any of the above. Much less frequently do we talk about the impossible standards we place on men, like the one Gomez mentions. I can think of times that my wrongdoings were handled much more delicately than those of my brother. If I cried, it was normal. I was just being a sensitive girl, but if it was him then he was a “sissy” or like Gomez he was told to “toughen up”.

I have also witnessed this difference in coaching in sports. If a boy messes up, a coach is able to scream at them at the top of their lungs, or maybe even grab them somewhat aggressively by the jersey with not even so much as a blink or glare from spectators. But oh boy! If you did that to someone’s baby girl? Lawsuit. As if boys are incapable of feeling the same embarrassment as a girl.

Even worse, I can think of times that I too have done this within my own relationships. Times when I was afraid or embarrassed and sent my boyfriend to test the waters first, because “He’s a guy. Of course he is brave. He’ll be fine”. When truly I could see that he was probably just as nervous as I was (not that he would ever admit that, but I think that’s kind of the problem…).

This lead me to do a little research about why people think that men are more brave and less fearful. Little to my surprise one of the first articles I ran into was an article by Teen Vogue that spoke on why girls are more fearful than boys. While the article had a lot of good things to say about how women can become more empowered, it proves that women have more defense behind their issues than men because women are seen as delicate. There are marches, events, etc. when women feel attacked or like they have unequal treatment, but men are somehow expected to deal with their impossible standards alone. You do not see men out marching because they feel like they are being treated poorly, because God forbid they show any emotion, especially on a subject that may show them as vulnerable.

I am a woman, and I believe we have so, so far to go before we are equal to men in a lot of different ways. However, I definitely believe we need to be a little more inviting to mens’ issues as well because at the end of the day we are all the same species, and we all deserve to feel comfortable in our own skin. Just food for thought.

http://www.teenvogue.com/story/culture-teaches-girls-more-afraid-than-boys