Cody Martin

COMM 160

3/2/2017

Blog Post #2

            If the million-dollar question was presented, “What do you value the most?” The duration from the question being posed to the speed of my answer would be unrivaled. I would answer… “my family”. I would proceed to boast as long as I could about the 3 people I love more than anything. When discussing my Dad and I’s relationship, there is a substantial difference between the relationships I have had with him vs. my mom and sister.

 My dad has remained quite stoic most of my life. That is not stated with bitter emotion, it is just stating the reality. In the article Stated Fear: Beneath the Façade, by Carlos Andres Gomez he recalls a conversation with his father: “… Since you think you are a man and wasn’t to make man decisions and walk out of my life, I am going to treat you like a man. And there are a lot of things that are wrong with you, Carlitos, so I wanted to make sure that you know about all of these problems that you have, because if you do not fix them, you are never going to succeed in your life.” These two sentences struck me right to my core, immediately causing my mind to recall similar lectures given by my own father. He is a man who experienced situations in his early twenties that most can’t imagine. He attended the University of Idaho and soon met the woman who was to become my mom. During the course of dating my mom, his best friend broke his C7 vertebrae while bareback bronc riding at a rodeo in Southern Idaho. He flew down the hospital in Denver to be with him after the accident. Then the summer before the semester of his senior year my mom found out she was pregnant. They chose to adjust their sails for the direction life was heading.

 Based on what I’ve been told, 1992 was a pivotal time in his life. My parents wed in November of 1991; I was born in April of 1992, and the unthinkable happened on September 11^th of 1992, my dad lost his dad, passing unexpectedly in his sleep. From what I’ve been able to gather over the years, this was an internal struggle for my dad. Despite the situation encountered he strived to be the best man he could be. Our family never went without, and regardless of his long hard days at work, he never took his stress out on us. I can’t recall a single instance of him ever raising his voice, unless I really broke the rules. This was the only reason to increase the decibels. I was never one to hop right out of bed in the mornings, and maintaining a clutter free room was the last thing on my mind. Aside from these two classic irritants to parents in general, I was a chronic procrastinator, and constantly ran late for school in the mornings. These little habits tended to tap dance on my dads last nerve. Most mornings were spent being lectured about these habits. He would constantly drill the importance of doing what you say you’ll do, and being on time, no matter the cost. I would remain hardheaded, dismiss the perceived nagging, and go on my merry way. During the course of junior high and high school my dad became increasingly serious towards me. Still lecturing me about the same things, and more. I would often grow irritated by his lectures and retreat in any way possible. It wasn’t until I finished my AA at the College of Southern Idaho and moved to Boise to finish my BA that he began to soften up his demeanor towards me. Having my ass kicked in numerous jobs and struggling to maintain reasonable grades at CSI I began to mature, and unbeknownst to me, he took notice. After moving to Boise, finding a job that allowed me to pay all of my own bills, he became increasingly relaxed with me.

          The dynamics of a relationship between a father and son can go deeper than just that; often prior experiences are taken into account when parenting. Deryl Goldenberg, Ph. D., clinical psychologist states the following in regard to father-son relationships…”Over the years of working with men in therapy, I discovered that the issues that so often come up about careers or relationships could often be traced back, sooner or later, to the lack of relationship with their fathers.” (Goldenberg, 2016) This information can be alarming to many, especially in regards to the viewpoints a father imposes on his son about what it takes to be a man. This creates a particular dynamic between the two, and at times confuse young men who are trying to discover who they truly are in the world.

After reflecting on his present demeanor to what I remember him being, I am beginning to see that his being a hard ass was the only way he figured he could effectively raise a son who would be self sufficient, all the while not having a dad to call upon during times the of uncertainty that raising a boy entails. There have been many instances growing up where I was told to “fix the problems I had”, they were irritating but fast-forward to present day I can see now that my father was instilling lessons and values in me meant to help me during the tougher times in life that were surely ahead. I have also learned that the love a father has for his son is often unspoken, but omnipresent.

Goldenberg, D., & Ph.D. (2016, February 29). The Psychology Behind Strained Father Son Relationships. Retrieved from http://www.psychalive.org/psychology-behind-strained-father-son-relationships/