On Family Bullying

Family- the people who define nearly every perspective we have in life in one way or another. Although the word “family” can have vastly different connotative meanings, by dictionary definition, family are the people we see or think about almost every day for the first years of our lives, they are our blood relatives whom we cannot choose. A passage from Berry and Adams states, “…autoethnographic research has often brought care, insight, and hope to problems often previously plagued with harm, uncertainty, and distress. Yet, there is more work to be done. We assume many realities of family communication to be dynamic and complex, if not at times dumbfounding, overwhelming, and harmful.” At times throughout this piece, I wondered how I was supposed to be responsible for fully understanding these intense, and serious family dynamics scenarios. Being that every person’s family experience is different, I didn’t see how everyone could really take something away from this lesson. 

It was the quote above that really got me. I understand that every person has a different background, and comes from different familial experiences. Since I have never personally experienced bullying, or had any issues regarding my family, it was difficult for me to connect with the reading and the quote. When continuing on with the reading from the “macro level”, I was able to make an outside-the-box connection. I have never experienced first-hand the content of which the reading piece was about, however, I understand that it might be more common than not to go through situation where bullying (familial or situational) is prevalent. 

As I examine my life I realize how truly fortunate I am. Reading this article opened my eyes a bit to what many people go through. Not to say that my family dynamic is not complex, but I feel that comparatively, it is not as dramatic as many others’ might be. I think that this is important for everyone to understand when communicating. Since family dynamic is an essential component during one’s personal development, understanding that we are the way we are, we think the way we think, and we live the way we live is all a product of what we are known and taught. When it comes to family bullying, that is something we cannot escape as youth, just as we cannot escape how that then goes on to shape as as who we are. 

For me personally, I realize that I might forget sometimes that not everyone grew up the same way I did. When people have differing opinions than me, many times I tend to argue and defend what I know without taking into consideration the reasons in which they feel the way they do (other than what they verbally explain). Previous communication courses I have taken have certainly broadened my perspective when it comes to interacting with people and being more thoughtful to other’s hardships and how they form who they are, and this article quote specifically will be something I take away from. In an article written by researcher and writer N.J Millar, he explains “…the love engrained in you is not a simple thing to 'turn off'. People dealing with a Family Serial Bully want to stop the bullying without sacrificing their family image and pride”. This is important to understand as a member of any community, and although I do not understand it from a personal level, I am grateful to have the opportunity to learn about it and how it affects relationships. 

Keith Berry & Tony E. Adams (2016) Family Bullies, Journal of Family Communication, 16:1, 51-63, DOI: 10.1080/15267431.2015.1111217

Millar, N. (n.d.). Serial Bully Exposed. Retrieved November 13, 2017, from http://

familyserialbullyexposed.com/

Families and Cultures

Some familial myths that we learned in class are that there's lost touch with extended kinship networks and we;re allowed parents- child bonds lapse. When we talked about what the normal family is like and what we do to get dinner ready. When we talked about difficultly of assessing direction of family change there are 3 types of changes. One is fictive/voluntary kin, which that is when someone isn't blood related but is still considered family. Second, Child free couples which are couples (mostly the woman) who has decided early on in life that she doesn't want any kids.  Third, Older expectations, which is like not having kids until you're married and stable, etc.
One example of the fictive/ voluntary kin is when little kids think that their mom's friends is an aunt or uncle. They aren't blood related, but they are still considered family.

American want a "white picket fence" but when you think about it, it can never be a "white picket fence". Every family has their own way or culture of living. From the article by Barry and Adams, No family is perfect, some even have internal problems such as "family bullying". Here are some statistics on family bullying.

• Over 3.2 million students are affected by bullying each year.
• 1 in 4 teachers see nothing wrong with bullying, and will intervene only 4% of the time.
• Approximately 160,000 teens skip school every day because of bullying.
• 17% of American students report being bullied 2 to 3 times a month or more while in school.
• By age 14, less than 30% of boys and 40% of girls will talk to their peers about bullying.
• Over 67% of students believe that schools respond poorly to bullying, with a high percentage of students believing that adult help is infrequent and ineffective.
• 71% of students report incidents of bullying as a problem at their school.
• 1 in 10 students drop out of school because of repeated bullying.
• As boys age they are less and less likely to feel sympathy for victims of bullying.
• Physical bullying increases in elementary school, peaks in middle school and declines in high school. Verbal abuse, on the other hand, remains constant.
• Girls bully in groups more than boys do.
• The average bullying incident lasts only 37 seconds.
• Children with a learning disability or ADHD are more likely to be bullied; they are also slightly more likely to bully.

 https://nobullying.com/my-family-is-a-bully/

Noise has a special meaning in communication theory. It refers to anything that distorts the message, so that what is received is different from what is intended by the speaker.

Read more at: https://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/interpersonal-communication.html

Noise has a special meaning in communication theory. It refers to anything that distorts the message, so that what is received is different from what is intended by the speaker. Whilst physical 'noise' (for example, background sounds or a low-flying jet plane) can interfere with communication, other factors are considered to be ‘noise’. The use of complicated jargon, inappropriate body language, inattention, disinterest, and cultural differences can be considered 'noise' in the context of interpersonal communication. In other words, any distortions or inconsistencies that occur during an attempt to communicate can be seen as noise.

Read more at: https://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/interpersonal-communication.html

Noise has a special meaning in communication theory. It refers to anything that distorts the message, so that what is received is different from what is intended by the speaker. Whilst physical 'noise' (for example, background sounds or a low-flying jet plane) can interfere with communication, other factors are considered to be ‘noise’. The use of complicated jargon, inappropriate body language, inattention, disinterest, and cultural differences can be considered 'noise' in the context of interpersonal communication. In other words, any distortions or inconsistencies that occur during an attempt to communicate can be seen as noise.

Read more at: https://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/interpersonal-communication.html

Blog #3

Interpersonal Relationships in Culture

Interpersonal relationships as described in our text is “an exchange that occurs between people who are in an interdependent relationship.”  Interdependent relationships are understood as contributions, and efforts that are simultaneous between two people. This interaction between two people is a core fundamental when sustaining relationships.  Not only are physical contributions in a relationship important but also conversation. The text suggests relational dialectics, as it can help “explore relational lives that are always shaped by contradictory impulses that arise in and through communication.”  This is essential when opening yourself and exploring self-discourse in the case of revealing information about yourself that another person would not initially know.

            Baxter and Montgomery acknowledge components within a relationship and developed 3 primary dialectics. The first dialect attention they bring forward is the balance between connection and separation. In class we had watched 3 different videos that clearly represent 3 of the dialectics, as I examined each of these clips I found myself reflecting on my personal life and how I resonate with these examples. First thing that came to mind was social media and the impact it has on my personal relationships I have with people, which in turn effect the connection and separation I have with each friend. A study I found Relational dialectics and social networking sites: The role of Facebook in romantic relationship escalation, maintenance, conflict, and dissolution employed by Baxter found that “Romantic partners are able to connect with each other and integrate their social networks on Facebook, but some struggle to maintain privacy and independence.” This gave me indication, and a helpful example when understanding connection and separation in relationships, whether they romantic or friendly.

            The second dialect is certainty and uncertainty. This was one, out of the three dialectical primaries that I found myself resonating with most. In class we discussed the purpose of clarifying tensions between knowing and not knowing where the relationship is going, I think this is most important because it sets a tone and path for furthering relationships, and how one would choose to communicate and defy whether it is interdependent or dependent. Burgers I-Thou, and I-It also show great respect to finding certainty in a relationship. Finding object centered, and personal centered can help find grounds, and even a depending partner.

            Lastly identifying the tensions between openness and closedness. Reaching this point can manage a lasting relationship, or a quick end. Pricacy managent is a term we discussed in class which creates boundaries of information giving and concealing information based relationships.

            Building relationships is based on listening, communicating and these three concerning dialectics. I have noticed within each of my friendships and relationships, I can identify each of these annotations as a part of every situation, or thought that was encounter within each of my relationships. It is important to being open, finding a connection, and clarifying feelings when hoping, or striving for long lasting relationships with anyone.

http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0747563214000910

"White Picket Fence" Blog Post #3

“Folk wisdom often suggests that families are sacred to persons’ lives. Stories abound about the significance of the family system, what families are and should be, and how family members should interact and feel about each other.”

The discussion in class and the readings surrounding family opened my eyes in a way where I was able to understand that most families have their problems. Growing up, I never had a family of my own and the little interactions that I did have with my family were very negative. I viewed nearly all families as the “White Picket Fence” family as described in class. Growing up, I thought that the ideal family consists of two children, two parents, and a dog that lived in a nice neighborhood where they always got along. This was always my perception because the little family that I did had taught me that blood doesn’t mean that you’re family. I always wanted a “White Picket Fence” family.

My thoughts and opinions on families altered in our class discussion. As we broke down the “Family Bullies” article by Barry and Adams I was able to understand that most families have their internal struggles and don’t live by this “White Picket Fence” idea that I had in my head. We began to talk about scapegoats in our families and how that is a social norm. Soon nearly everyone on my group was able to relate and discuss how they had a family member that was an outcast. My idea of a “perfect” family was destroyed in seconds because I was able to learn from my classmates that perfect families don’t exist. Looking at families through a critical lense helped me alter my perception.

After thinking about this discussion I applied my learnings to the television show The Fosters. This show is about two loving partners who have children from their previous relationships, a set of twins they adopted, and a girl named Callie who they are fostering. In the first episode we quickly learn that Callie is the outcast in the family. She is beat up, irritable, and views the Fosters as a “White Picket Fence” family. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cr2szCOl3D4 She doesn’t get along that great with anyone in the family and is constantly trying to find ways to run away. I think a part of her enjoys being the outcast because this perception of the family that she has, is not something that she wants to associate herself with.

Three long seasons later, we find the Fosters accepting her for who she is and supporting her decisions to fight for what is right. Callie goes through a number of trials and gives the Fosters many reasons on why they should put her back into the foster care system and not adopt her. The Fosters don’t give up on their outcast foster daughter and provide her with love and attention that she needs to feel truly part of their family. With time Callie sees the many things that the Foster have done for her and begins wanting to be a member of their family. She stops viewing them as a “White Picket Fence” family and starts viewing them as a family with their own struggles who are willing to work through them together. She is eventually adopted and we can see in this clip https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1igxr2hLA5o the happiness she is feeling to officially be a Foster.

I identify with Callie in many ways. We have this perception of families that make us believe that we don’t ever want one. They are perfect and we just wouldn’t fit in. This is, until our perception is challenged by the people around us to make us believe that families are important and nowhere near perfect. This folk wisdom idea is quickly shot down when the people around us begin sharing their stories about their families.

Keith Berry & Tony E. Adams (2016) Family Bullies, Journal of Family Communication, 16:1, 51-63, DOI: 10.1080/15267431.2015.1111217

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1igxr2hLA5o

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cr2szCOl3D4

October Blog

“Now avoiding consent in any form

Leaving me as nothing more than a word wielding womb

That forgot the pre-suffrage adage

That women are to be seen and not heard”

(Arellano).

            Out of all of our reading from the month on October, the poem Word Wielding Womb by Amy Arellano really stood out to me. I am not usually someone who enjoys poetry, but something about this poem seemed to strike a chord with me. Maybe it’s because I am a young woman growing up in a society where women are still fighting to be seen as total equals to men. Maybe it’s because I have seen countless news stories of our new president and his administration threatening to limit women’s reproductive rights. Whatever the case may be, this poem really resonated with me and the quote I chose for this blog left me with many different thoughts about women’s rights.

            This reading helped me look at some of our course material in a different way because it was so different that any of our previous readings. Most of our readings are articles or chapters from academic books that can be hard to digest, but this poem felt so much different. This poem had such strong emotion and was written in such a beautiful way. I think this reading helped me look at things differently because it felt closer to home. I can’t always relate to the things we talk about or read for class, but this was a circumstance I had an easier time relating to.

            Even though this poem was published in 2015 its message is still as important as ever. Just a quick Google search of “women’s reproductive rights” lead me to an article from ACLU titled “Latest Abortion Ban Bill Is Yet Another Attack on Women’s Rights”. This article talked about a bill that had a hearing in congress just yesterday that would ban abortions after 6 weeks of pregnancy. I hadn’t heard anything about this bill until looking into it now and I have to say it is troubling. Abortion is an understandably difficult topic to discuss, but what worries me the most is that more often than not women aren’t the ones making decisions when it comes to what can be done with their bodies. Arellano’s poem is strong and encouraging for women and we have to keep her words in mind until women are truly equal.

Article referenced: https://www.aclu.org/blog/reproductive-freedom/abortion/latest-abortion-ban-bill-yet-another-attack-womens-rights