November blog post

All About Allies  

We had a ton of awesome readings this month, but the one that made me snap my fingers the most was definitely Carlos Maza’s article “Call yourself an LGBT ally? Here’s how to actually be one.” It was not the longest article, but it was packed with so much important information. I feel like a lot of people would consider themselves to be allies, but do not really know what that means or what it entails. Honestly, I was not even really sure what it meant. I just assumed it meant you were chill with people being gay or that you supported the gay people in your life. That sort of feels like a baby step after reading Maza’s article.

Maybe it was my upbringing. I have gay family members so it was always just normal to me. I think that led the the attitude I carried for a while- I have a gay family member that I love and some gay friends who are wonderful people- I have done my part. I thought, obviously I am an ally, I have lots of gay people in my life, I do not need to shout it from the rooftops. However, as I got older and the people at school got a little meaner, I began to feel the need to really show my support for the LGBT community. Maza was correct in saying “Being an ally is about more than policy.” It is more than just the big things, there are a lot of struggles along the way that do not make headlines.

I went to a Catholic high school where I had teachers who taught “lessons” on how homosexuality is a huge sin and all gay people would go straight to hell while straight, devout people pretty much got a free pass to heaven (which honestly made hell sound pretty appealing). My best friend’s dad is gay and the two of us had a class together with a particularly mean teacher. It was so difficult to sit through those lessons knowing that Katie was hurting and this in turn made her dad feel so awful. One of my favorite school memories was a day in class when that teacher gave another mean “lesson” on homosexuality. Katie finally spoke up and told her that her dad is gay and what she was saying was incredibly hurtful and offensive. The teacher immediately sent her to the principal’s office for “having an attitude.” When Katie left the room the entire class jumped to her defense and the defense of the LGBT community. Our teacher got so frustrated she tried to send all of us to the principal’s office. Thankfully our principal made her apologize to Katie. It was a small situation that felt like a huge victory.

Maza’s three other points were: “Be aware of how much space you take up,” “Don’t minimize a person’s queerness,” and “Let LGBT people disappoint you.” These are all wonderful points that are definitely overlooked. I almost wish he had added a section on “the gay best friend” and how people (I feel like mainly women) treat them almost as if they are some sort of trendy accessory. I could write a whole other blog post just on that alone. I really liked that he talked about the stereotype of gay people that the media has created. I feel like so many shows and movies with a gay character use the same gay character- a successful, sassy, feminine, extremely well dressed best friend who says funny things and gives life advice. I cannot imagine feeling like I need to live up to that. I think everyone who considers himself or herself an ally should read this article and really assess their role as an ally, what type of ally they would like to be, and how to be the best ally they can be.  

November Blog Kohei Hikosaka

Before the thanksgiving breaks, we have studied about families and cultures. As you hear families, you all may remember nuclear families without consideration, but is it common throughout the world that systems of families are nuclear families? The answer is obvious. NO. Let me give you an example. For instance, the citizens in Zinacantán which is a city of southern part of Mexico regard people who use their house as their families. Moreover, in China, they have a unique family system. Their family system is called patrilineal family system which is the social system based on blood relationships of fathers. This is an example of how different family systems we have. As I mentioned above, nuclear families are not as common as we consider.

In addition, members of families sometimes face unavoidable challenging. That is a bully within a families. I have thought that a family is an only one community where we can relax without any concerns, however our home can turn to be a horrible place. I guess we can imagine easily bullies exist anywhere around us such as schools and work places. What I was surprised was bullies occur even in houses. That means a parent or parents bully their child. Also, a bully within a home rarely bring to light because their children assume that the reason their parents bully is their faults, so they almost always don’t try to get some advices on their bullies within a family. To decrease the number of bullies within a family, we should care about our neighbors.

November Blog Post: Families

Families, we all have them. And I think most of us would say that our family is made up of ALL different kinds of people, those who we did not get to choose to be related to. I can personally say that my brother has a few cousins who I choose not to associate myself with (they are my cousins too; I just don’t like to admit it).

Communication within a family is very unique because they are relationships we are obligated to be in those of which are not always ideal but we must live with it anyways. However, it has been argued by Keith Berry and Tony E. Adams in Family Bullies that “family relationships should be understood as chosen voluntary, and less obligatory relationships…” as well as the harm that can be caused when we consider relationships to be involuntary. Along with that, family members should be able to remove themselves from a situation with bullying in it without being shamed for it.

SOOO what does this all mean? I’ve obviously been doing this whole “family” this wrong because I feel obligated to speak with those even when I would rather not. Not because they are annoying (well, they are that too) but more so mean! This is the idea of family bullying. Berry and Adams believe that in the case of family bullies, we should not simply walk away, but reevaluate “the canonical, nonovulatory understanding and social importance of those relationships, especially in extant research in every day conversation.” Which basically means, don’t bash your family to others in day to day conversations because that will only create more problems.

That was a lot of information and you all are probably feeling like not the best family member, don’t worry, me too. Just remember this, in a couple weeks at the dinner table on Christmas, instead of ignoring that rude and obnoxious cousin or uncle try to remove yourself from the situation and evaluate the importance of the relationship. It is OKAY to sit at opposite ends of the table from that person and focus on the communication with those who you choose to be around. We all have those people in our family, but the way we go about handing those individual speaks volumes about our ability to be effective, respectful and loving communicators within a family setting.

Dustin Buller, November Blog Post, Interpersonal and Dialogic Communication

Dustin Buller

29 November, 2016

COMM 160

Professor Ivey

Interpersonal and Dialogic Communication

            The observer and participator in social interactions is constantly creating and making distinctions about others and their own communication. These decisions are both conscious and unconscious; the intersectionality of individuals and groups are occasionally obvious, and large scale expected norms are assumed due to variety of sources. Although what is not often considered in these social interactions with others is the perspective of the others, the difference of the others’ world, and the truth of the actual reality that human senses perceive. This lack of knowledge can lead to small and large assumptions of the other character and intentions, and at a certain point it can transform an individual into an object. The authors John T. Warren and Deanna L. Fassett wrote, “We cannot ever fully know the world of the Other, that other person who belongs to (and creates) other, different cultures and who stands in tensive relation to us” (p.144). Often these kind of incidences happen with a conflict of values or emotionally charged subjects, but they can be overcome.

            The misperceptions of individuals toward others is exceptionally common, but awareness of this common mistake or flaw can be enough to bridge the gap between individuals and groups. By recognizing the complexity of others, it is possible not to reduce an individual’s entire person to a single or short list adjectives based on perceiver’s interpretation of the other. This can be accomplished by realizing that there are multiple viewpoints, dimensions, and truths in the world. The authors John T. Warren and Deanna L. Fassett wrote, “This condition—individuality—is complex and means that our ability to form relationships is always an effort to recognize and frame our own perception of the world so that we may see another as a knowing and knowledgeable self” (p.144). The internal world of the other is created from more sources than can be reasonably evaluated. The only way to proceed ethically and efficiently in communication is to inquire about the others world, their reasoning, and understand that some elements of the perceived world come from locations below the others conscious awareness. By interacting with others in this way it is possible to identify what misperceptions are present, what values they differ on for reasoning purposes, and to develop understanding and tolerance for the differences between individuals. 

November Blog Post

Prior to Thanksgiving break, our class took on a rather tough subject for discussion; bullying. When people think of bullying most of the time they think of physical abuse, when in reality bullying comes in many shapes and sizes. Someone might recall a time in Middle School when they were intimidated by a classmate or teased about insecurities. Bullying with words, is still just as traumatizing as getting bullied with a fist. With the addition of bullying, we also discussed key words and terms that go along with bullying. These terms are important to understand, because they help us define how bullying can psychologically hurt not only other individuals, but also ourselves.

The first key term is, trigger warning. A trigger warning is something professors and others should give before discussing sensitive material. For example: Before a professor lectures on sexual abuse they might say this is a trigger warning subject. This way if anyone feels unsafe they can dismiss themselves from class and discuss alternate options with their professor. Individuals who have experienced traumatizing events may have a hard time discussing the material and may experience flashbacks, have a strong emotional response, or could have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). It is important to remember that just because a topic is not difficult for you, does not mean that is the same for everyone. Bullying relates to this because we have to understand that everyone’s mental state is different and should be accommodated for.

The next key word is, advocate. An advocate is a supporter of a cause. However, these individuals are not only supports, but also members that help represent a cause. Being an advocate means you are fully emerged in the culture of the cause you are supporting. For example: I am an advocate for student rights. I have gone to countless board meetings and events to represent the student body, and advocate for a better learning environment. I am submerged into this particular culture as an active member. The word advocate is not to be confused with the word ally. An ally is someone who supports a cause, but is not a member. They are a friend who encourages change, but is not themselves submerged into the culture of it. An example would be if you were a part of LGBT and had a friend who supported you. Your friend is not a part of LGBT, but does support you and what you stand for. Advocates and allies relate to bullying because they are a crucial part to stopping bullying. If people advocate for positive change and keep strong allies, constructive change will be possible.

The last term is, self-care. Self-care is when you take time to rejuvenate yourself. Sometimes people can get so caught up helping others or be so focused on a situation that they forget to take care of themselves. For example: When my close friend Drake, passed away I had a hard time dealing with it. I did not eat a proper meal in weeks, get any sleep, or even take a good shower (I know it sounds gross). Since I spent all of my energy focusing on Drake, I forgot to take care of myself. When someone finally told me that I needed to get it together, the first thing I did was take a long, hot bath. And sometimes that’s all you need is a little “me time” to get yourself back up and running. Self-care relates to bullying, because it can lead to your own mental instability. People never stop to think that we can be our own worst bullies.

November Blog Post

Before Thanksgiving break, we discussed in class meta-communication which is communication about communication, "For instance, if we are "playing," I might insult you, knowing that you'll understand the frame and know the insult isn't really an insult. In this way, the frame of joking changes the insult into friendly teasing, avoiding hurt feelings."(148) Meta-communication is nonverbal communication that is either supplements what is being said or indicates that what is being said is not what is meant. For example, when a baby is crying you know something is wrong by the baby indicating the tears running down their face. 

There are many different ways to express meta-communication. Sometimes social protocol dictates that people say something very different than what they feel. Meta-communication occurs, the words spoken are typically formalities and contain very little meaning. This term was invented by Gregory Bateson in the 1970's. Bateson's idea of meta-communication is that certain body language and mannerism combine with people's words to become codes. Effectively communicating in this way requires that all parties know and understand each others' codes.

Bateson also believed that every communication is essentially a communication within a communication, meaning that there is often more than one conversation taking place at once. There is the actual conversation, what is being said, and the meta-communication conversation, what is being conveyed. Meta- communication is all nonverbal cues like tone of voice, body language, gestures, facial expression that carry meaning that either enhance of disallow what we say in words, There's a whole conversation going on beneath the surface. The communication that indicates how verbal information should be interpreted; stimuli surrounding the verbal communication also have a meaning, which may or may not be congruent with that of or support the verbal talk. It may support or contradict verbal communication. 

Psychologists define meta-communication as the sum of your verbal and non-verbal communication. For example, if you say "Glad to see you" to someone and roll your eyes at the same time, they will not feel that you are actually glad to see them. A brother definition would be that meta-communication involves how people perceive you, not just your words. As a result they have more influence and receive more cooperation. It is critical to meta-communication when you want to successfully discuss something tricky that has the potential to trigger a reactive response in your listener. 

This type of communication happens a lot more than you think. 

November Blog Post

A few weeks prior to Thanksgiving break, we as a class diverged into a highly sensitive topic yet majorly important to discuss openly; bullying. Growing up in a military family, I was prone to witness bullying type behavior being around service members a consistent portion of my life, and moving from state to state and school to school, bullies were inevitable for my sister and I. However, even though we knew there were bullies and we knew we were always the new "fresh" meat on the playground, our internal confidence outweighed the verbal attacks and we flourished in public education. The reason our confidence soured was because of the support and love our immediate family showed us, and we always had each other's back when the going got tough. Although, our importance on athletics as a family could sometimes boil over and hurtful words or bombshells would go off, and the internal pain from family member to family member could potentially take years to heal. Tony Adams and Keith Berry, the authors of "Family Bullies" go into detail regarding all aspects of bullying within families and how important it is for the need of support and comfort.

Communication is important in every aspect of life, friendships, relationships, and most importantly maintaining well-balanced family ties. As we discussed in class, bullying through hurtful verbal usage or physical abuse can harm someone's self identity for years to come. Bullying in any context cannot be undone and in terms of a family situation, the bullying can leave scars forever. Berry and Adams state that, "The trauma of bullying entails not only the hurt of the attacks in the present, but the scars and memories that remain for victims, and their fear of possible reprisal in the future" (54). When there is bullying within a family whether it is between siblings, or parents, damage can be done to the upbringing of an individual and cause issues with social interactions for a long time. Not only does this affect the communication skills between a family, it can affect the skills of the child for his future relationships and friendships. This article goes in direct correlation with the discussion we held as a class where many classmates gave statements including a popular one, "Bullying can end lives" and keeping in mind the LBGT community that this generation sees on the internet and television on a regular basis, one must be "highly conscious of inappropriate bully-type vocabulary" (class discussion examples). Handling bullying the correct way can change the way our culture sees this standard. Bullying is seen on a daily basis in our society, through social media, television shows and even professional athletic teams. Bullying can overwhelm anyone at any age, so that is why this is such an important topic to discuss and revisit for blog posts. 

This article on bullying gave many examples of bullies within a family that caused damage to the relationships as well as the identities of the certain individuals. While living in a military family, sometimes we discuss our feelings with one another in a brute sort of manner, and we express how we feel about one another's actions directly. This has been a vital technique after many blowups where hurtful statements have been expressed in the past. In this new way, we can say how we feel in a appropriate way without inflicting emotional pain on the other person. This is one way to overcome bully instances within a family, however, in "Family Bullies" Berry and Adams give a final statement on how to handle family bullies in the future, "it is important to challenge and reconsider the canonical, non-voluntary understanding and social importance of these relationships, especially in extant research and everyday conversation" (56). 

November Blog Post

In “Family Bullies”, one of the articles we read earlier this month, Keith Berry and Tony E. Adams explore bullying within different family contexts. In the beginning they state that “assumptions and expectations concerning family communication pervade our culture, and conceptualize family life and persons' orientations to the family in certain ways, effectively leaving little room for variation” and I think that is is 100% true (51). I remember briefly discussing this in class and if you think about it, when you think of a family, I think the general perception is a big happy family with married parents and kids who all get along great and live fantastic lives, but that isn’t always the case.

Ever since I was little, I always believed that all my friends’ families were perfect. Even I believed that my family was a perfect family for the longest time. My parents were married with the three of us kids and our dog and everything was good for the most part. However, as I got older some of the relationships within the family began to deteriorate. One of my younger brothers and I became both the victims and the bullies within our family. We never really physically hurt each other, but instead relied more on verbal abuse and this is a pattern that continued for years.

I always felt terrible because I lived with the “assumption that family members are obligated to get along”, but I think it’s important to remember that relationships don’t always work that way (59). According to Berry and Adams, it's important “to recognize more diverse possibilities for relationships” and that is something that I have to remember while moving forward and looking to improve the relationships I have within my family (53). Overall, I thought that their article really challenged some of the general perceptions that we form about families and relationships within them, but it was also reassuring to know that these relationships vary.

November Blog Post

            The sentence from the readings during the month of November that caught my attention was from the article, “Call Yourself an LGBT Ally? Here’s How to Actually Be One” by Carlos Maza. The article stated, “it is your job to listen to the LGBT people in your life, to ask them how they’re doing, to be aware that they may have gone through (and still might be going through) some things you don’t understand, and offer support when you can”. Reading this article was an incredibly eye opening experience because I never thought about what being an ally meant from the LGBT side. Many people say they’re allies but they either don’t know how to be one, they view ally as a status, or they make it about themselves instead of about LGBT members.

When we discussed this article in our LA groups we were asked to write down three things that were important for being a good ally. I wrote down that it’s crucial to listen, to actively participate when appropriate, and to remember it’s not about you. I feel like this list goes really well with the sentence that stood out to be the most this month. I think people sometimes get caught up in the idea of being an ally and letting people know they’re an ally that they actually forget to perform the actions necessary to be an ally. You don’t get to pick and choose what you want to engage in when it comes to being an ally and I feel like that happens a lot. It’s something you are continuously actively engaging in, not something you do when it’s convenient. In order to be a supportive ally you need to listen and let the individuals you’re being an ally for tell you what they need from you and what the best way for you to help is.

This sentence from the article really stood out to me because my best friend is gay and after reading this article I realized that I could be a better ally to him. I’ve always had his back, especially in high school when people would say horrible things about LGBT individuals, but now I’ve been asking him what’s the best way for me to be an ally to him instead of assuming that what I’m doing is helpful.